This afternoon, whilst drinking a near hallucinatory amount of espresso at the “gay” coffee shop (not my descriptor! Though, it is a happy place), I stumbled aboard a certain train of thought.
I soaked in the atmosphere. It was around 5:30pm, just after Wickenden street had finished coughing up the rush hour traffic. There were people reading books, newspapers, typing on laptops with headphones, and chatting about Brown University minutiae. That last one is par for the course, given my proximity to College Hill. it’s a nexus of…I haven’t quite figured it out yet. A hive of intellectual activity? A grotesque gallery of Ivy league elite? A garbage disposal patte’ of thick rimmed glasses and white earbuds and regrettably hip fashions?
The relaxed crowd wasn’t giving me any straight answers. I was simply enjoying the flow of the atmosphere, like a light social breeze relieving the stifled friction that can creep up on my when I’ve been in my room too long.
Now that I’m back in my room, recharged from briefly dipping my toe into the social moors, I realize how distant and disengaged my poise and mannerisms were. I was so soothed and pacified by my perception of the din, if one of these people actually came up to me and said hello or asked a question, I would’ve freaked. I was intensely drilling my pen into my notebook, searching for the unknown mission I’d commited to.
How are you supposed to act in a coffee shop? How should you act in this situation, social and isolated simultanesously? Is not knowing the answer to that the whole point? Does the allure lie in the struggle to simply be there? How do you want to act? Which of these questions should you take in consideration to reflect the true intentions of your inner self? Do you want to be true to yourself in there, or just sway along with the prevailing vibe? These are the questions that race through the mind of this particular recovering social anxiety case, faster than a Japanese bullet train.
It’s more comfort than contact, when the feeling connects. You can feel like you’re not alone in there. Physically, you are occupying the same space as these other beings, and you are theoretically there under similar pretenses. You have things in common! Coffee, sitting, and purposefully holding reading materials out in front of you with a rigid death grip.
Originally, this post was going to be about the current generation, and how new communication technologies are rapidly changing (destroying?) social environments and personal relationships. Then, I just started going off about the coffee shop I had that thought in, and it turned into a little example to sort of illustrate my muddled point of view. Isn’t that nice?
The biggest negative of digital connection and communication that I’ve percieved is it breeds an attitude of apathy and meaninglessness. The epitome of this is the Internet message board. Never has one person’s opinion or feelings been so inconsequential. Any thought on any subject can be dismissed or picked apart any infinite number of ways. A thought could also be lauded, blindly followed, quoted or mimmicked by a chorus of yes men. Which opinions are the ones to take to heart?
When you are forced to pick and choose the responses you want to believe, the ones you decide are true, it can be dizzying, nauseating. You are forced to create your own reality among the bile and refuse and falsehoods and fluff and rare gems of truth.
This is a mammoth, herculean task, especially for someone of sensitive perception like myself. The infinite array of angles of attack and dissection completely dwarf whatever the original discussion was supposed to be, swallowing it whole.
In the coffee shop, things are simple, yet no more real. My overactive mind is left to create imagenary attitudes and views for all my fellow patrons, what they might be thinking as they notice me wildly scribbling in the notebook. Why does that feel more alive to me than sitting in here alone? Why is it such an effective mental stimulant and motivator? Why do these anonymous faces lift my spirits?
As this new age slowly seeps into all of us, I’m left wondering if it’s a new golden dawn or the spark that set fire to Rome. Is anyone going to stop and wonder, is this all too much too fast? What are we leaving behind? Are we taking everything with us from the past that we’ll need to survive in this new form of society? Are real human emotions going to survive? When compassion and humanity can be crushed from a thousand different angles at once, what’s the appeal in acting human anymore?
This streak of old fashioned thought is surprising me. I’ve been a hardcore computer nerd since birth. I’ve also seen how people and attitudes have changed since the Internet began to exponentially explode in 1997. All I know is, as time goes on, I’ll be struggling to stay balanced between the infinite connections and intimate proximity, and I hope I won’t be alone.
